When Emily picks up a hand worth more than 15, you can estimate her hand's total value by dividing the seconds of silence by the number of new wrinkles on a face persistently reminiscent of Texas chili heartburn, hence the impetus to coin the word — cardburn.

Sitting South, Emily was dealt a combination that could float the Pepto Bismark.

Emily's suffering stems from a common problem - unanticipated success. She's an expert with zero to nine, passable with 12 to 14, feeling increasingly out of her depth as she ascends toward 21. Never did she think it possible to hold a shortage of spot cards.

For those who prefer to yawn their way through balanced monsters, here is one common* treatment.

* Yes, you'll need to discuss this with partner. Don't trot it out with "that's the way everybody does it" since Rule 1 below is very common, while Rules 2 through 6 are less common.

The Super Notrumps

1. Holding a balanced distribution (4-3-3-3; 4-4-3-2; 5-3-3-2 *¹) with 22 or more high card points, open 2 (strong artificial and forcing), then rebid some number of notrump as follows:
   • 22 to 24 - 2 NT
   • 25 to 27 - 3 NT
   • 28 to 30 - 4 NT, etc. You get the picture, continuing in three-point ranges.
2. After your notrump rebid, transfers are on (if you go in for that sort of thing).
3. The cheapest club bid is Stayman unless it's at the five level, in which case it's Gerber.
4. In the two cases where Stayman is allowed, a club jump is Gerber.
   2, 2, 2N, 4...
   2, 2, 3N, 5...
5. In the case where there isn't enough bidding room for both, we drop Stayman.
   2, 2, 4N, 5... is Gerber.
   
6. At the top levels, we drop both Stayman and Gerber since all we should have to do is add whatever measly cards we hold to partner's to get to slam directly (even if it's in clubs)
   2, 2, 5N, 6(to play).

Had Emily and her partner been armed with these agreements, the bidding would have proceeded along the lines of Auction 2 where 4 is Stayman and 5 is Gerber.

Note in Auction 2 that if you substitute a four NT call for North's 5 call, that would not be Blackwood. We have to be able to sign off if partner picked the wrong trump suit and slam seems unlikely.

Statistical Notes:

Note 1: Lest you choke from Gerber withdrawal when you find yourself headed toward a 5NT rebid after opening 2, note the hand below. This is the only 31-point balanced hand you can hold and still be missing two aces. So although it is mathematically possible for partner to bid six of a suit missing two aces, the odds are very much against it.

K Q J
K Q J
A K Q
A K Q J

Note 2: According to reliable authority*², you will hold a balanced hand pattern about 48% of the time during your bridge career.
You will hold more than 21 high card points just under one-half of one percent of the time.
Combining these odds, we can predict that you will pick up one of these Super Notrump monsters and have to figure out what to do with it every 496 hands (rounded).*³
So, how many hands have you played since the last time this came up?

If you play 30 hands a week (typical of our club regulars), you're due such a monster roughly every 16 weeks. But as lucky as you are, better get started discussing this with partner right away.

*¹ The serious tournament player will also include a semi-balanced hand pattern (5, 4, 2, 2) where the five-card suit is not a major and the two doubletons are strong. Try adequately describing such a hand any other way.

*² The Encyclopedia of Bridge. Third Edition. Richard L Frey, Ed. in Chief. Crown Publishing. 1976. ISBN 0-157-527243. "Mathematical Tables" page 285.

*³ Emily's hand is one hand in 3,787.88.